I Hate “Gentle” Parenting.

Oh, not the practice. Just the word gentle.

The idea that parents must use a ‘soft’ tone of voice and add a “pleeassseee” to every request in order to influence their child’s behavior is just wild. This approach is entirely counterproductive for a disregulated child. It conveys fear and weakness, revealing a lack of competency to assist the child when they need it the most – how scary for the child! What they truly need is a calm and strong leader, unruffled by the child’s inappropriate (yet developmentally normal) behavior. They need a tone of voice that conveys, “My peace and strength is not contingent on yours. You are never too much for me. You do not need to hide parts of you. I will help you. You are safe.”

I worry that parents might easily fall into the trap of manipulation when they rely solely on gentle tones of voice to try to create behavior change. They may inadvertently burden their child’s tiny shoulders with the idea that their happiness hinges on the child’s choices. This is unfair to the young child who needs opportunities to learn from their mistakes. Let’s resist the urge to take their behavior personally! While it’s important to teach how words and actions can hurt others, we must be vigilant not to convey the message that choices should be made according to whether or not they make someone else happy.

Another thing people say about gentle parenting (that’s not correct) is to never use praise or consequences. The truth is it’s ok to use praise occasionally. And consequences certainly have their place in the gentle parenting tool box. Let’s address praise first:

• By nature, praise focuses on end results, promoting perfectionism and people-pleasing tendencies. In contrast, encouragement values effort and empowers children to see themselves as capable, regardless of their current learning stage. Instead of a vague, “perfect! Good job!” when your child ties their shoes, we should offer encouragement that acknowledges their effort by saying, “You figured it out all by yourself!” Or simply saying, “thank you for tying your shoes.” Encouragement sounds like, “I love you no mater what.” If we want to foster intrinsic motivation in our children, we need to refrain from constantly showering them with external rewards. Sure, praise is fine from time to time, but encouragement should be what our children get from us everyday!

• Now, let’s talk about consequences. Let’s get one thing straight: consequences are not the same as punishment. Punishment aims to make a child pay for the past and does nothing to teach them what to do in the future. Consequences, on the other hand can help a child learn important life lessons. Natural consequences happen naturally, with no adult interference. For example, when you don’t eat, you get hungry; when you forget your coat, you get cold. These are great learning experiences for children, but they rarely happen. Logical consequences require the intervention of an adult, like if a child breaks a window they should have the logical consequence of paying for it. Again, great lessons are to be learned here, it’s just not going to be often. Logical consequences often become poorly disguised punishments which will not teach the lessons we really want for our children. What should we do in most situations? Focus on solutions. We should ask ourselves, “What’s the problem? What’s the solution?” Involve children in finding solutions to help them feel encouraged and empowered.

One more misconception: Never lose your cool: The goal isn’t to never feel frustration or anger. That’s just not possible for parents, because well, they’re human. The goal is to notice these emotions earlier and earlier, so when they pop up we can make the necessary steps to calm our nervous systems. Without a calm nervous system, rational thinking and problem solving skills go bye-bye. It is hard to overstate the importance of us being able to do this, because how can we teach what we ourselves cannot do. So, when we lose our cool, it’s our duty to model self-regulation to our children.

The biggest issue with gentle parenting is it lacks a clear definition and has no specific academic work for study or reference, leaving it open to anyone’s interpretation. When an influencer posts a 16 second reel on the topic, there’s no way to verify if what they said is accurate or even safe. We can learn about where both gentle parenting and Positive Discipline developed from by psychologist Diana Baumrind’s authoritative parenting style, who emphasized a balance of high expectations and strong support. Her claims and scientific studies are not some new trend- they’re from the 1960’s. The Positive Discipline Association, which has been around for over 20 years, was influenced by the studies conducted by Baumrind, as well as Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs (1930’s) who advocated parents be “kind and firm” at the same time. We’re talking about decades of work and research from top experts in the field.

What would you add to this list? Where do you find parents get off track with gentle parenting? Comment below and add your thoughts to the conversation.

Christian parenting books I recommend:

1. Flourishing Homes and Families by Dr. David & Amanda Erickson (Pre-orders available now)
2. Heartfelt Discipline by Clay Clarkson
3. Discipline that Connects with your Child’s Heart by Jim and Lynne Jackson