When respectful communication doesn’t get cooperation, say this:
“Would you like to do it by yourself, or would you like my help?” … “Sure! I’m happy to help.”
Let’s pretend you have at least 2 children. Your youngest is struggling to unscrew the new cap on the toothpaste tube, and he asks Big Brother, “Will you help me??”
In this moment, what do you want him to say? Maybe something like this: “Sure. Happy to help.”? If we want our children to be generous helpers, we need to have modeled it to them first. Meaning, my child needs to have experienced me being a generous helper to him. Here’s an example of how we can be a generous helper:
Parent: John Luka, what do you need to do today before we go to the park?
John Luka: Laundry.
Parent: Right! Fold clothes!
John Luka: I hate folding clothes!
Parent: Sounds like you really do not like folding clothes. I get it, sometimes I feel that way too, and folding clothes is part of taking care of our home. What was our agreement?
John Luka: (doesn’t say anything, but gives you a look of recognition that says, ‘of course I remember what I said two days ago.’)
Parent: Right, laundry first, then play. Would you like to do it by yourself, or would you like my help?
John Luka: I want help!
Parent: Sure! happy to help. (It may be necessary to explain that you aren’t willing to do it for them, but happy to help. More on this in the next section.)
A few things to consider:
- Do not do it for them. That would be rescuing, or permissive parenting.
Parent: I’m not going to do it for you, but I have time to help you right now. Would you like me to match socks or turn them right side out?
John Luka: (no response)
Parent: No? Ok, well you are free to do it by yourself. Come get me if you decide you need my help.
(Now follow through. Maybe that’s walking away while they decide to do it by themselves and complain the whole time (withhold your judgement). Or maybe they allow you to help them with your generous heart.
When the job is done simply say: “Thank you for folding your clothes.” Or, “Thank you for keeping your agreement.” Do not, I repeat, do not toss some blame or shame on them by saying things like, “if you just listened to me the first time this would have been so much easier…” or, “I don’t understand why that was so hard for you…”
- You can NOT help a child too much. When you resolve to help (and not do for them), while providing the support they need to learn (I’ll say it again), you can NOT help a child too much.
We may want our young children to be super independent with fabulous prioritizing skills. But those are very unrealistic and inappropriate expectations. I would even suggest that, from time to time, we adults still need a little help in those areas.
Subscribe to have articles like this one sent right to your email (almost) every Friday.
Resources for Christian Discipline 
Okay, here’s a question I’ve often wondered kind of related to this: after the job is done, for example they pushed back and you reminded them and either helped or let them handle things solo – is it good/bad to afterwards ask “was it as hard/boring/upsetting as you expected it to be?” I sometimes ask something like this (in honesty, kids know if you’re just trying to do a “gotcha” on them) to lay the ground work for future struggles. Like, if they say, “it wasn’t so bad after all,” I can say, “interesting, maybe you like this task more than you thought,” and then remind them maybe it will be like that again with some future thing when we get to it. Thoughts?
LikeLiked by 1 person
If there is any back talk or “attitude” after a task has been completed, I (usually) would just ignore it and say, “thank you for doing your homework before dinner” or whatever. You get to make the boundaries/rules, and they get to feel how they want to about them. lol Now I do think there is value in reflecting on past choices and think about future choices. But I would not do this in the moment. Maybe later that day, or even in a day or two (depending on the age). And, I agree, kids can sniff out a “gotcha” so your posture will have to be one of curiosity and completely without judgement. Some tasks may just always be hard/boring/upsetting to a person and it’s just nice to have a mom (or person) who gets that, and still sees you as full of value and worth. Good luck!! I’d love to hear from other parents on this topic too- what a good question!
LikeLiked by 1 person