Boundaries with Kids by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend

I poked around on the internet and learned that both Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend earned Ph.D.’s in clinical psychology and then went on to co-found a healthcare company together. I was unable to find any indication of either of them having trained in early childhood education or hands on experience in a classroom. I am unconvinced that their accomplishments in the corporate world put them in the position to write a parenting book. A book on counseling children based on their education and experience probably would have been a more appropriate choice.

Boundaries with Kids teaches that the main focus of parenting is to find just the right “consequence” to every undesirable behavior so that it’s “so painful [for the child] to do the wrong thing, that they will not want to.” As a preschool teacher, parents often asked me, “what’s the appropriate consequence for _______?” —like not brushing teeth or hitting a sibling. However, circumstances rarely allow for true natural and logical consequences. A natural consequence happens without parental intervention: if a child goes outside without a raincoat, they get wet. Logical consequences do require parental input: if a child breaks a window while playing, they should use their allowance to cover the repair. But consequences can easily become punishments when parents don’t keep the consequence related, respectful, reasonable, and helpful.

Examples of “consequences” to breaking a window that are actually punishments:

1. Not Related: you take away her phone.
2. Not Respectful: you yell at her or hit her.
3. Not Reasonable: you make her pay to replace every window on the house.
4. Not Helpful: you ground her.

Here’s two examples of what Townsend calls consequences but are actually punishments:

• A child is told if she can’t wait for her brother to stop talking before she talks, that she won’t be allowed to share. She’ll have to “wait until tomorrow to talk about [her] day.” Demanding the child not speak does nothing to teach her the art of conversation, active listening, or turn taking.
• A child is told that any toys left out by bedtime will be “impounded” because the “family doesn’t like a messy family room.” This punishment does nothing to develop within the child an intrinsic desire to take care of the home or to teach organization skills, cleaning routines, or to prioritize tasks.

Punishment, even when disguised as a consequence, is designed to make kids PAY for the past, not teach them what to do in the future. There is no need for punitive punishments that damage trust and respect. Instead, ask ourselves what is it my child is showing me they haven’t yet mastered. Then take time for training and teaching the actions to take when faced with similar situations in the future. Involve children in finding solutions to help them feel encouraged and empowered. Learn more about how to focus on solutions in my short article The Truth About Consequences.

I honestly found myself feeling so confused throughout this book. I thought we were going to learn about boundaries, you know, cause of the title. I did a key word search on the word ‘consequence’ because it kept popping up over and over again. It is used over 160 times! ‘Boundaries’ only appears 61 times. Let’s talk about boundaries: “Boundaries are what we tell someone we will do, and they require the other person to do nothing” (psychologist Dr. Kennedy founder of Good Inside). The parent follows through by holding the boundary, not by throwing out a harsh punishment to manipulate behavior.

Let’s have some fun! Can you spot the difference between a boundary and a punishment? I’ll toss out 2 examples: my take on a boundary and an example of what the authors call a boundary from the book. You pick which one truly represents a boundary by hitting the Clap button. OK? Great, lets go:

Both examples start with a request to turn off the TV. The first one ends with a threat and the second one ends with a true boundary. The parent holds the boundary, not the child, by getting up and turning off the TV. We cannot put the success of the evening in the hands of a tired 6-year old, possibly struggling with a screen addition. We care too much about our children and the reasons why we’ve chosen to limit screen time in the first place.

Hopefully you feel more confident in holding boundaries and using consequences effectively. If you have any lingering questions on these topics, please post them below!