My Testimony

My Battle with Suffering: A Journey Through Hardship.

I Grew up in a loving home with parents who taught me about how much Jesus loves me and so at a young age I asked Jesus into my heart. As a teenager I was confidant in my identity as a Christian, fully forgiven and saved. However, I remained largely unaware of the process of sanctification. For many years Jesus was a boxed checked, a ticket I secured for heaven.

There was another issue: I lacked a true understanding of God’s character and what it genuinely meant to walk in His will. I was under the impression that if I were “good,” He’d grant my desires or, at the very least, spare me from heartache and difficulties. I believed that following His will meant making decisions that would lead to an uncomplicated life devoid of suffering- that had been my learned experience thus far, and I surely wasn’t reading the Bible to learn otherwise.

I worked hard in trade school. Became a reliable, honest cosmetologist and married a nice Christian boy. Everything was lining up, and I was happy. Wasn’t that the litmus test for a good Christian? Little did I know that I was about to learn that God actually cared way more about my holiness than my happiness.

Bryan and I got pregnant. Then we miscarried. Sadly, at that time I did not have the resources to learn how to grieve well, so I just pushed down the pain and we resolved to try again. Though I carried some anger towards God for not fulfilling his part of our deal, I held onto a fragile thread of faith, believing that God had a plan, and that it was for my good.

We got pregnant again. Twins! Suddenly, everything fell into place. I realized that God truly had a plan for me, and it was even more magnificent than I imagined—I just needed to have faith and trust in Him! He hadn’t let me down after all. In that moment, I felt so loved and close to God.

I miscarried.

The depth of betrayal and anger I experienced was overwhelming. I felt as if this was all an elaborate scheme, and not only did God not care about my life or happiness, but that He was untrustworthy and unsafe. So I walked away from Him. Good riddance to a cruel, vengeful, and distant God.

But Praise God my story doesn’t end there. Later I would have two amazing boys, and I felt God start to soften my hardened heart- something about having a couple young children running around helped bring me to the realization that If I was going to be the mother I wanted to be, I was going to need His help.

I enrolled in a rigorous Bible study that prioritized daily Scripture reading and accountability. I allowed God, for the first time, to tell to me who He says he is. I realized the relationship I had built with God was one sided- just me talking about me all the time. About what I want, how I felt, and what I thought was best for me. And if I was honest, what I actually wanted was to be God, ensuring everything would revolve around me and my happiness. Gradually, I recognized how loving and patient the God of the universe had been with me, loving me too much to spare me the wisdom and character that comes through pain. Christ would use this suffering to draw me to Him, knowing soon I would truly need the hope and help that only comes from His light in dark times.

I truly fell in love with Jesus. Then I got cancer. But guess who ran to Jesus instead of running away? Guess who learned that perseverance through suffering is the blessing- not a life without suffering. This is gonna sound crazy but cancer was a time filled with many moments of unexplainable joy.

About 5 years ago I really got to experience God’s faithfulness in pain. At a routine eye exam, I was told my then 7 year old son might have a brain tumor. Those two weeks, waiting for the MRI and results, God gave me breath. Each breath was a gift from Him that I could not produce on my own. I finally had learned what “happiness” was. Happiness is a loose grip on the things that are temporal and holding on tight to an eternal perspective.

Oh, God is good. There is no tumor. I’ve got to watch my son grow in a beautiful young man. The doctors gave him a different medical journey to walk through, but we trust God’s purpose and plan. We are experiencing God’s compassion and mercy and we rejoice in his purpose.