Grace Colored Glasses

For instance, if Marco hits his sister, without our grace-colored glasses on, we might fear he is evolving into a bully destined for criminal activities. If we let these thoughts (aka lies) influence our parenting we will wrongly treat this as a high stakes situation in need of level 10 intervention and swift punishment. To counteract these lies, we should remember:

1. To physically block hitting if needed, and say, “Stop. Hitting hurts.”
2. To take a deep breath. Or two. Adopt a short calming statement that you can say to your self in these moments: “This is not an emergency, I am safe.” Or, “This is typical toddler behavior. I can do this.”
3. Now think of the grace-filled, reasonable interpretation. One that helps you not take Marco’s behavior personally- maybe he’s still not feeling 100% after his cold. And you know deep down he absolutely adores his sister: With these truths filling your mind, you can now effectively show up for Marco while guiding him through next steps: “Marco, I know you didn’t mean to hurt Leah. Can you let her know that?”
   • If Marco won’t say “I’m sorry I hurt you,” then you can say it. Modeling respectful communication skills (like a genuine apology) is still the best teacher for young children: (To Leah) “I’m sorry Marco hit you. Would you like a hug?”
4. It might be a good idea to circle back later that day to talk about what happened and give Marco an opportunity to discuss what he could do next time. This will only be beneficial if we have an attitude of curiosity- one that says, “that’s not his normal behavior… I wonder what might be going on with him?”

Things to Consider:

Ok, yes, Marco hit Leah, but he didn’t mean to hurt Leah– this perspective is possible with the application of undeserved grace and an understanding of child development. The young child, lacking impulse control, tried to communicate: ‘that’s MINE!’ or maybe, ‘DON’T touch me!’ But it came out in the form of a push, or a hit.

Even if you might be inclined to want to think Marco intended to hurt Leah (and ignore how the brain develops), through the response I suggest, you are giving Marco’s thought-life a healthy boost. He internalizes, “Yeah, I didn’t want to hurt my sister… I don’t want to hurt people.” Think of what he could internalize if we react in anger, “What’s wrong with you? She’s just a baby- you never listen to me!” Here he might internalize something is inherently wrong with him. Or even worse- that he is unlovable. Which internal thoughts do you think would lead to more undesirable behavior?

Don’t miss the lesson in this moment with Marco. Marco is showing you that he has not yet learned to not hit, and it is your responsibility to be close during situations where hitting is likely (maybe over tired, or hungry), to block hitting, and model/teach, step by step, respectful communication.

Remember hitting is developmentally appropriate for young children– they need our support and guidance. No amount of punishment will speed up brain development.