Discover the 5 burning questions I asked the authors of my new favorite parenting book: The Flourishing Family!
Q: Amanda and David, can you tell me a little bit about your backgrounds and what you hope the book will achieve?
A: Examining Christian parenting through the lens of sound theology is really important to us. We both have a background in religious studies – Amanda has a BA in Religion, and David has a Master’s of Divinity and a Ph.D. in Theology and Church History. He taught theology, church history, and world religion at a seminary for 15 years.
But it was our journey as foster parents that planted the first tiny seeds of doing things differently. Kids in foster care have multiple levels of trauma and are protected from corporal punishment because of it, and it was here, parenting kids from hard places, that our journey began.
Now, more than a decade later, our book, The Flourishing Family, shares both our spiritual journey and our parenting story, and we hope and pray it will be a message of grace and clarity for Christian parents who are deeply committed to breaking harmful cycles and who seek to put Jesus at the center of their homes and families.
Q: I know you have worked with a lot of Christian families over the years- what is the most common question you find yourselves answering?
A: We get the typical questions about common childhood struggles that you might expect: hitting, lying, and disobedience. But one of the most common questions we receive is, “How do I talk to my parents about why and how I’m parenting differently than how I was raised?”
We get the typical questions about common childhood struggles that you might expect: hitting, lying, and disobedience. But one of the most common questions we receive is, “How do I talk to my parents about why and how I’m parenting differently than how I was raised?”
This question reveals such a profound truth: today’s Christian parents recognize the mistakes their parents made, and are choosing to do it differently, and they deeply desire to maintain mutually respectful relationships with their parents in adulthood, but struggle to know how. There’s an underlying fear of disappointing or dishonoring their parents, and they just don’t know how to broach difficult conversations.
Q: Many Christian parents today follow a “first-time obedience” approach, where do you think that came from? You write about trust-based obedience, could you elaborate on that?
A: First time obedience is such a common Christian parenting teaching that it’s hard to know where it originated. Most parents have really good intentions for teaching first time obedience: often safety is their number one motivation. (“If they don’t obey right away they don’t get a second chance if they run in front of a moving car!”) Our God-given desire to protect our children is fierce, and it may be the motivation underneath first time obedience more than Scripture is.
Obedience is important. When we commit to parenting with peace and purpose, we do not surrender ourselves (and our sanity!) to disobedience and accept that our children will rule our homes with their strong wills and ideas and never listen to our own. Obedience matters—it matters in our family, and it matters to God.
The real goal of Christian parenting is not simply children who obey but children who want to obey, even if it takes them a little time to choose the path of obedience. But in order to do that, we have to remember the key that unlocks heartfelt obedience: trust.
When we as parents shift our focus from first-time obedience to trust-based obedience, it allows us to not only honor the good design God has for their survival instinct (Our frantic yelling, when used in appropriate situations, is remarkably impactful!), it also allows us to focus on values that will last well beyond their early childhood years: honor and wisdom.
Q: Scripture doesn’t contain a lot of text directed specifically to parents, and even well-intentioned parents may misinterpret passages in an attempt to control a child. What tips to you have for us lay moms and dad when it comes to Biblical application in the parenting relationship?
It may seem unusual, since Jesus wasn’t a parent, but look to Jesus first. While its true He wasn’t raising children, He did encounter the same challenges with His disciples that we face as parents: disobedience, being misunderstood by His followers, rivalry, aggression, pride, greed, and doubt, fear, and plain old not getting it. And yet He corrected them, and occasionally strongly rebuked them in such a way that they didn’t shrink away from Him. They didn’t hide their sin. They didn’t fear Him. In fact, in Peter we see the most grievous betrayal, and the next time He sees Jesus he flat out runs to Him with no shame and no fear for what Jesus might say.
That isn’t to say that you should ignore the rest of Scripture! It is filled with wisdom! But Jesus should be the lens through which we read the rest of Scripture, and when we do that, we find purpose and clarity about God’s vision for humanity.
Q: It is not easy to find Christian parenting books that criticize spanking- even non-punitive ones. Many authors avoid it completely or adopt a neutral stance. How does your book address the issue, and what recommendations do you have for Christian parents to advocate for children within their local communities?
We dedicate a chapter of our book to examining the cultural context of the rod and corporal punishment in Scripture. There’s not even a hint of modern day spanking described in the Bible, and we believe it is critical for Christian parents to understand the original context and meaning if they’re going to be making child-rearing decisions with Scripture in mind.
We’ll leave it at that, and allow your audience to read the chapter for themselves, but as far as advocating for children within their communities, one of the best things parents can do is live out their convictions confident in front of their peers. When others observe you correcting misbehavior or disobedience effectively without physical punishment, it helps them envision what that looks like, and helps them see for themselves that sturdy, strong, and confident parenting does not necessitate physically harming your child.
I had the privilege of being a beta reader during the book’s early development, and even at that stage, it was absolutely wonderful—overflowing with practical insights from a biblical worldview! I trust you’ll be reading it soon and you’ll discover for yourself why it holds the honor of my favorite parenting book!
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