Stop Telling Children What Not to Do.

Giving directions in the negative form (what not to do) can even be confusing for adults, not to mention a small child with limited cognitive abilities.

Rather, let your children hear what to do. Honestly, when we say the thing we don’t want, it’s kinda like a subliminal message: If I said don’t think of an apple… I bet you thought of an apple instead of the cucumber I wanted you to think about. So tell me, what do you reckon your child is going to think about when you say, “Don’t throw your food!”?! To say what we want to see in this scenario you might simply say, “you can eat blueberries.” Or, “you can put your blueberries here” while pointing to plate. Or even, “you can say ‘all done‘ if you are done.” What you say depends on what you’re observing in that moment, and what a better or safer alternative would be.

Here’s a few side by side examples:

• Don’t run. ➡️ Walk please.
• Don’t yell. ➡️ Inside voice.
• Don’t hit the dog. ➡️ You can pet gently, like this…
• Don’t throw LEGO. ➡️ LEGO bricks are for building.. like this. If you want to throw, we can go outside and throw a ball.

Here are a couple sweet tips: Your tone of voice should be kind and firm. Use as little words as possible. Don’t take the behavior personally; Johnny is showing you he still needs your guidance in learning how to safely play with Oscar. It can be challenging not to react emotionally, but if you can take a deep breath and carefully consider your words before speaking, you’ll greatly improve your chances of delivering an effective and respectful response. Modeling the behavior we desire and helping them do it (over and over again), is truly one of the best ways to teach young children. And always end with, “Thank you for being gentle,” or for being helpful, or whatever the case may be (“thank you” is far more respectful than a “good job!”).

Communicating to our children in this way is not limited to correcting just physical behavior, it’s also an opportunity to shape their language skills. Just saying, “use your words” does little to teach a young child how to express themselves- most of the time they need to know which words. When our children choose unkind or socially unacceptable words, we should say what we want to hear. Rather than saying, “Don’t talk that way to your brother,” let’s help him express himself without name-calling: “Johnny, you can tell your brother, ‘Stop! I was still playing with the truck’.”

If Johnny shares what he really thinks about your dinner and says, “I hate meatloaf!” We can choose to respond by acknowledging his feelings while also teaching him a more appropriate way to communicate them, “You can say, “no meatloaf, please’.” An older child might benefit from a short conversation (later that night, not in the moment) to discus the reasoning behind your suggestion or to brainstorm for solutions for the next meatloaf night.

It needs to be said that saying what you want to see isn’t some magic formula for getting children to obey your every command. And it’s not the worst thing in the world if we occasionally say what not to do- this is just one (of many) tools to foster cooperation and connection. The level of cooperation we receive from our children is usually directly related to the level of connection we provide. If you find yourself frequently using the word ‘don’t,’ perhaps its time to flip the script and say what you want to see instead! Comment below some examples that have worked well for you in your home!