The divine command for children to obey their parents does not grant parents a free pass to enforce obedience through whatever means necessary. Ephesians 6:1: “Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord, for this is the right thing to do.” Who is Paul addressing in this passage?
Children. Paul gave no instructions to parents here. He does that in Ephesians 6:4.
Here’s the part meant for us: “Fathers, don’t provoke your children to anger, but raise them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). Whose instruction? The Mosaic Law? No, Jesus. This would have been quite a shock to the people at the church of Ephesus, disrupting their deeply rooted reliance on a set of laws and regulations. The Jews mistakenly believed that adhering to the Law of Moses would earn them favor with God, but Paul corrected that when he told them God gave the Law to expose sin so that His grace could triumph. The law was never meant to solve the problem of sin (Romans 5:18-12 & Galatians 3:23-29).
Let’s examine a verse from the previous chapter, Ephesians 5:22: “Wives, submit to your husbands, as to the Lord.” Here, Paul is addressing wives. Christians today know that this verse does not grant a husband the power to ensure his wife always submits to him. So why would we inaccurately interpret Ephesians 6:1 to say that the parents must always ensure the child obeys them. Furthermore, if we continue reading Ephesians 6, we will discover exactly what husbands are instructed to do: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her” (v.25). Christ loved the church so profoundly that he gave His life for her. This is the kind of love that moves the heart of the wife, as it is a self-sacrificial love that is genuine, devoid of harm or manipulation.
When we bring together Ephesians’ teaching against provoking anger in our children and Colossians 3:21’s warning to not exasperate or discourage children, we uncover a compelling message for parents to prioritize the emotions and feelings of our children, even in the midst of disciplining. This does not imply that we should forgo setting boundaries or respectful consequences. It is entirely possible to address a child’s misbehavior while simultaneously offering support and encouragement. There’s no need to resort to harmful language or manipulative strategies (such as fear, shame, or pain) that provoke (exasperate) and anger our children.
Christian parents need to recognize that forced obedience isn’t genuine obedience at all, and instead realize that our biggest impact on children is through us modeling obedience to the Lord. Remember, obedience to Christ is made possible by His work within us; we simply cannot do it alone.
Our goal isn’t to produce obedience in our children.
Our goal is to model the obedience that Christ produces in us.
Amanda Ericson co-founder of Flourishing Homes and Families
I am not suggesting that we shouldn’t desire obedience from our children. There is joy and abundant blessings for our children they wholeheartedly walk in obedience with us. However, our eagerness for obedience must always be balanced with the command to not stir up anger in our children. This approach mirrors our Heavenly Father’s pursuit of our own hearts through mercy and grace, rather than through demanding for obedience.
I trust this will serve as a good starting point in your own journey to uncover the true essence of Biblical obedience. Feel free to share any thoughts or insights you have on this incredibly important topic.
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