This easy switch lands itself in my Top 3 Tools Every Parent Needs list. Check it out: “I know you want to keep playing, and it’s time for bed.” Did you catch that? The and instead of but? This simple change is not some magic parenting hack to get your children to listen to you—not what we do here. However, it will alter your tone of voice, and allow you to invite cooperation instead of defensiveness. Don’t be surprised if you stumble when you first start using ‘and‘ in place of ‘but‘—that’s okay! Be open to practicing new things and making mistakes!
Don’t limit ‘and‘ to the parent-child relationship- it can be helpful to any! Consider this, did you ever hear this in high school: “I love you, but I need space” or “I love you, but it’s not working out.” The use of ‘but‘ effectively nullifies the I love you statement. Similarly, imagine your spouse stating, “Dinner was great, but.. blah blaah blaah.” Was that supposed to be a complement? Not with that ‘but‘ in there. So, when we tell a child, “I know you want to keep playing, but it’s time to go to bed,” the child thinks, “No you don’t. You don’t care about what I’m doing, or what I want. You don’t get it. And you don’t care to try.”
We’ve all heard the phrase, “validate feelings.” It gets tossed around a lot, rightfully so, but if we use words that actually invalidate feelings, we are actually headed in the opposite direction we want.
Here are my best And-not-But scripts. After reading 30+ parenting books and working in the Montessori preschool classroom for years, I curated quite the repertoire!
As you read through these notice how I always start with kindness, and then end with firmness:
- Validate feelings: I know it’s hard to stop playing, and it’s time to go.
- Show understanding: I can understand why you’d rather watch tv right now, and homework comes first.
- Respectful communication: Sounds like you aren’t feeling that tired, and it’s time to get ready for bed now.
- Agreement in advance: I know you don’t want to mow the lawn, and what was our agreement?
- Follow through with agreements in advance: I know you want to keep playing video games, and your time is up. You can turn it off now, or it will be put in my closet.”
That last one though, right? Listen, being kind and firm at THE SAME TIME will always, always keep you from falling off the permissive cliff. That statement is a logical consequence that is agreed upon in advance with you and your child, not a reactionary threat in the moment. Read more about respectful consequences here: The Truth About Consequences.
Let’s not forget the importance of reaching an agreement beforehand. You’ve got to hash things out with your child and brainstorm together for a solution the problem: “I’ve noticed after the timer beeps you don’t turn the game off. What are some ideas you have that will help you turn it off in a reasonable time?” Agree to try out their suggestion and circle back in a 3 days, or week, and see how it went. Try it even if you feel confidant it’s a bad idea- heck, it’s even better if its a stupid idea! Let them experience missing the mark, trying again, and internalizing that making mistakes is crucial to learning! Did you take it personally when your 5 year couldn’t ride a bike after 3 trys? Brainstorm other ideas if needed and repeat until you guys find a solution. I think Not Taking Behavior Personally might be in the Top 3 Parenting Tools Every Parent Needs list, too!!
The next time you need cooperation from your child and you catch yourself saying ‘but’, stop and ask your child if you can try that again. You can do this! Comment below your questions! Do you use this at home already? Let me know!
Sources: Adapted from the Positive Discipline Workbook by Jane Nelsen.
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