Pass ❌
Except for a handful of gems here and there, this book mainly consists of anecdotes from Andy and Sandra’s childhoods and their experiences as parents. I’ll spare you story-time with the Stanleys and share with you some key takeaways from the book.
- The “It” in the title, Parenting – Getting It Right. The “It” is the why you parent. The pastor and his wife call it their “north star.” They suggest parents adopt their north star, or at least take the time to create one. Here is their “It“: “Kids who enjoy being with us and with each other even when they no longer have to be.” Underwhelmed like me? While I might have expected something else, or more, I do think there is value in parenting with the long-view in mind. So, do what you wish with that.
- Never yell at your kids unless there is danger. And to make sure your kids know they can, and should, yell when there’s danger. Sound advice. Big green light for me.
- The best parenting tool according to the Stanleys: a healthy marriage. A hard truth when you consider the divorce rates around the world, but he makes quite the compelling case for it.
A couple issues I had with the book: One issue was the name Jesus did not make an appearance until page 161. While on it’s own, it’s not a big deal- just unexpected given that the author is a pastor writing a book for Christian parents.
Additionally, there are no discipline strategies provided for parents of children aged 0-5 years. This is because, in my experience, Christians believe spanking is the primary tool used for all misbehavior. Or as Andy coined it, “the three Ds:” disobedience, dishonesty, and disrespect. Andy warns parents of the negative outcomes that come with not using “consistent discipline” on toddlers; yet he provides no details of what exactly he means by discipline. Here are the things you can expect if you fail to use his undefined version of “consistent discipline”: failing grades, suspensions, limited post-high school options, and jail time. Vague terms, plus pushing parents to make fear-based decisions, are all BRFs (big red flags) for me.
To be clear, Andy never uses the word spanking and nor does he ever define what he means by “discipline” or “serious consequence.” Yet he champions “first time obedience from little ones,” and “correction” that is handed out early and immediately. Andy goes on to say when children obey immediately, it “can save their lives.” Ugh. The truth is that it is always the parent’s responsibility to keep young children safe by implementing safety measures or by avoiding potentially harmful situations all together. When safety is on the line it is negligent to allow a young child to access harm while not being near enough to physically stop or protect the child. Spanking a child before or after such an event does not save lives. It’s vigilant parents who also understand child brain development. Moving on.
Lastly, I’ll share one of Andy’s anecdotal stories regarding toddlers. So the story takes place before the Stanleys have children of their own, and they are at a restaurant with friends who have a toddler, Hannah. Hannah is told she cannot have anymore hush puppies and when she goes to grab another one, the dad immediately takes off with her. While Andy does not tell us how the father punished her, he knew it “would be quick and certain,” that this wasn’t the dad’s “first discipline rodeo.” This exemplary dad then asks Stanley in the car ride home if “a two-year old can be demon possessed.” To which Pastor Andy responds, “I don’t know, maybe.” Now, presumably about 30 years later, everyone laughs about Hannah’s childhood and Stanley wonders if she isn’t receiving a bit of “payback” from her own 3 children.
This story makes a person with limited cognitive and physical abilities the butt of a joke. It’s not cute, especially from a Pastor. When children are seen as humans we treat them with the dignity and respect that we all deserve– regardless of knowlage, experience, or wisdom. Parents, we CAN treat children with dignity and respect while holding boundaries, setting limits, and respectful consequences. There’s so much we can do to help shape the hearts of our children- even while disciplining (and by discipline I mean to teach, guide and correct).
Resources for Christian Discipline 