I hear this from many people and for those who it’s true, I’m glad to hear that. Really, I am. Young people can experience hardship, trauma, or even abuse, and overcome it. They persevere, heal wounds, and go on to be amazing adults. I know a few.
But, that does not mean this is the path to amazing, or even “fine,” adults.
I also wonder, if for some, ‘fine’ means you:
Are a people pleaser.
Or believe you are responsible for other people’s feelings.
Or think you need to work harder to please God.
Or are scared to voice your truest thoughts or feelings.
Struggle to control angry outbursts.
Take things personally that aren’t.
Cannot resolve conflict without fighting, fleeing, or freezing.
Regularly worry that others are mad at you.
Struggle to prioritize your own needs.
Believe someone’s worth is in what they can do for you.
Think it’s ok for those who love you to hurt you.
Feel unworthy, at times, of love and respect.
Are anxious or depressed.
As I am sure you’re aware, these unhealthy thoughts or patterns are not products of just spanking. Spanking is just one of the many unhealthy tools used to control or manipulate another person.
Even if you grew up in a loving home you may have had a parent who resorted to emotional blackmail, threats, guilt, gaslighting, or played the victim because of their own trauma, low self-esteem, or feelings of entitlement. We talk about these things here today not to blame or shame our parents, but to identify the things that may have contributed to the situation, so that we can move forward with empathy and understanding.
If our upbringing wasn’t as healthy as it could have been for our emotional development, we may have leaned that to stay physically safe, emotionally safe, or connected to this parent that we had to disconnect from our emotions and suppress our needs. If we’ve never done the work to create different responses, we’ll just keep repressing and suppressing.
Humor me for a minute while I share a story that illustrates how we can honor the amazing things our parents accomplished, while also acknowledging areas for growth.
My parents did their best to break negative cycles and to always treat my brother and I with dignity and respect. They took that as far as their knowlage and life experience allowed them- until they hit a ceiling. Now, as a parent myself, I have the gift of starting on the ceiling of my parents. This is my ground zero. Because of their effort in cycle breaking and dedication to improved ways of treating and guiding children, I get to begin from a better place. I now work to break the cycles that I’m aware of, and treat my children as respectfully as I am able to with my limited awareness and abilities- until I hit my ceiling. Eventually, my own children will carry on this legacy, facing their own challenges and building upon the foundation I leave for them, while honoring the generations before them.
I want to point out that as you reflect on these things, if it feels overwhelming, even with with your current support system, it’s important to seek professional help. With time we can learn to set better boundaries and advocate for ourselves. My God bless you and your family! Thanks for being a part of this community.
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