No you don’t. A young child cannot be held accountable for their own safety. It is an unreasonable assumption to expect a child to choose to avoid danger or to reliably comply with verbal instructions when safety is on the line. For instance, if a young child were to be struck by a car, the fault would lie with the parents, not the child.
Spanking is unable to teach the lessons we really want for our children because it is a bully/victim model. It will never be a formula for learning new skills or developing impulse control. So, how can we ensure our child’s safety when faced with danger? Let’s dive in!
In the specific scenario near a street, we simply must prevent the child from running into the street. Our absolute # 1 job as parents is to keep our children safe. We can either hold her hand, carry her, or place her in a stroller/shopping cart. We could offer a choice, “Would you like to hold my hand or ride in the cart?” If she chooses to hold hands but right away you notice her trying to let go, say kindly and firmly, “You’re showing me you need my help staying safe, so I’m going to put you in the cart now. You can try to hold my hand next time.” And now you can choose to be the strong, calm leader by not letting your feelings of frustration or anger dictate your words or tone of voice while she protests. Let her know, “I hear you, you really wanted to walk through the parking lot. You can try again next time.” Remember, as the adult, you are responsible for safety. It’s ok if she doesn’t like your decision. You get to make the rules, she gets to express how she feels about them.
I’m going to add an excerpt from Positive Discipline that not only proves spanking doesn’t build skills or insure safety, but that also, intuitively, we actually know it doesn’t. Teaching road safety (or electrical outlet, stairs, knives…), starts with us teaching what to do, helping them to do it correctly when in those situations, and then scaffolding the skills as their understanding grows and impulse controls strengthen:
I [Jane Nelsen] ask this parent if she would be willing to let her toddler play near a busy street unsupervised after he has been spanked to ‘teach’ him to stay out of the street..
Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen
Parent: “Of course not.”
I then ask how many times she would need to spank before she would feel it safe to let her child play unsupervised near a busy street.
Most parents agree that they would not let their toddler play near a busy street unsupervised until around the ages of 6 to 8, no matter how many spankings they have had to ‘teach’ them.
This illustrates the fact that maturity, or readiness to learn certain responsibilities is the key- not spankings.
Here are some other suggestions on how we can foster good choices in our children’s behavior (in any situation) while also teaching accountability:
- Model desired behavior ourselves
- Family Meetings
- Focus on solutions instead of consequences
- Create routines
- Offer limited choices
- Ask for their help
- Deal with the need behind the behavior
- Decide what you will do instead of what you will make your child do
- Follow through with dignity and respect
Need more support with respectful parenting tools? I recommend reading Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen. You can check out my full book review here.
What are your thoughts? Is it possible to keep children safe with nonviolent parenting tools? Comment below!
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