Feelings: Don’t fight them. Don’t feed them.

Feelings are neither good nor bad. They just are. We know we shouldn’t suppress and stuff our feelings down, but how do we do that without getting stuck in them? So glad you asked:

Practice to observe and describe what you are feeling.

When you first have a feeling that catches your attention, a flicker of sadness, a spark of joy, slow down and take three deep breaths. Scan your body, observing places where physical sensations of your emotion present in your body, or urges you may have. Focus on those sensations instead of your thoughts. Thoughts might be saying, “ugh, he never listens to me!” or even giving you the urge to yell.

Observe the sensations. Where do they begin and end? Heavy or light? Observe them without judgment, without trying to fix anything.

Describe. Label them with just a few simple words, “I’m noticing a heaviness in my chest and a knot in my stomach.” Or, “My cheeks feel hot, and I feel an urge to yell.”

Emotional intelligence evolves naming our feelings and not blaming others for them- no one can make you sad, happy, etc. Then choose actions that move us into a regulated state (deep breaths, sit in the sun, a drink water). When we are in a disregulated state we can narrate and model this to our children to teach them emotional intelligence.

When I ask my child to turn the computer off and they say, “I will, I will” for the 3rd time, I might feel my heart beat faster and my cheeks grow warm. I might think, “He always does this! I’m going to show him who’s in control!” I will feed these feelings if I allow my thoughts to control my reaction (usually with low-hanging fruit such as blame and shame). I can respond if I take 3 deep breaths, name my feeling (feeling disrespected), and notice what’s happening in my body. Now that I am in a more regulated state I am able to remember some respectful ways to invite cooperation and problem solving.

Feelings are healing- if we let them be.”

Janet Lansbury

_{Source: Psychology Today Feel Emotions—Don’t Fight or Feed Them by Matthew S. Boone}